My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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