Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
