I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
