Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
