maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize