all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We are all done wearing pants today
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
