Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
