I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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