So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
