I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
