I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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