when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
