Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
foreskin is a definite game changer
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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