Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
