You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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