3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
