I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
