I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
