im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
