You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I looked at my own cervix.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
