So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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