if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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