I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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