The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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