Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
