I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
