omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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