Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
