i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
