This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
