I'm really into asian looking animals
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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