be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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