i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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