ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
