I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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