Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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