We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I've blown a few things in my day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
