i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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