worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
