she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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