so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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