I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
