a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
