This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Randomize
