now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
