my being single is dangerous.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
