Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
