the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My Higher Power is John Stamos
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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