Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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