I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
