I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize