i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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