You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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